Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
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Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
My neck my back my allergy attack
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.