I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
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I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Candles never taste the way they smell
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
how it started vs how it ended
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
From my Mom
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house