[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
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TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.