How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
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Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face