Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
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Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
My flabber has been gasted.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish