My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
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Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
How to draw a duck
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one