My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
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my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
the red hot silly peppers
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH