My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
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What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret