Botany good plants lately?
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
#merica
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Banana is the quietest snack
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.