I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
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No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.