🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
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“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Don’t tell me what to do
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
A leaf blower, but for people.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.