My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
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Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
there’s probably a fee though
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
This why you should mind your business
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.