Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
You Might Also Like
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll: