[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
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Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.