Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
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I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
saving face 👀
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half