“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
You Might Also Like
whatcha thinkin bout
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Brands during Pride
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.