I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
You Might Also Like
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
translated into Canadian
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire