I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
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When someone says you are so lazy
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Tony Hawk, age 6
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.