My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
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cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese