lmaaaaaooooooooo
You Might Also Like
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born