Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
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You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
u spoke cat all this time??????
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?