me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
You Might Also Like
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”