My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
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I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk