ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
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Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
*Seductively hides in the woods
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Proctology is located in A55
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014