If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
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I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart