To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
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CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
That’s classic.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
just gave your address to some spiders
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.