8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
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My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues