don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
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Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
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Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.