Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
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I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Who chose this font
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.