One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
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“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!