Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
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[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
How dramatic are you?
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off