When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
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When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
never forget
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.