Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
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[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Happy Caturday!
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
I remember when things only cost an arm.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro