dutch so unserious
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I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop