My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
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Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway