ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
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Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy