5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
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Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Breaking news:
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Hit me in the face with a bird
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream