Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
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[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored