I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
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(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
The news in a nutshell.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
i could never be president. im overqualified.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.