– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
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I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup