I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
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I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
This was the best day of my life
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
I love it all
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”