11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
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boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
The smoothest fall of all time
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.