I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
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ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
If only
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored