driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
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Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Education is vital
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.