That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
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Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better