Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
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Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.