My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
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Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.