*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
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I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
the three branches of government
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”