Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
You Might Also Like
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
it is time once again
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.