[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
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*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Always leave them wanting their money back.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
I put the h in mysterious.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.